Just Making It Through Tonight
by midnightquaffles
Summary: Soda misses Ponyboy as he reflects on events from the book. Set after Pony ran off, before Soda got the letter from Sandy. One-shot.


It's real quiet tonight. Too quiet. It's just me and my older brother Darry home tonight, which feels really weird. Usually one of the guys from the gang, usually Two-Bit or Johnny spends the night here, but not tonight. And usually I sleep in the same bed as my younger brother Ponyboy, but not tonight.

Ponyboy. I'm real worried about him. He scared Darry and me real bad a couple nights ago when he came home from the movies late at two in the morning. It really wasn't too big of a deal because at least he came home, but I don't think Darry saw it that way. I had fallen asleep on the couch waiting for Pony to get home, but I was woken up by all of Darry's yelling. Darry was madder than I've seen him in a long time and it wasn't because Pony came home late. It was 'cause of Pony's recklessness.

Darry's always lecturing Ponyboy about how he never uses his head and it's true; he don't. Pony was trying to tell Darry that he was late because he was talking to Johnny and fell asleep in the lot but Darry was sick and tired of Ponyboy's excuses. I tried to stick up for Pony and calm our older brother down, but he was too frustrated to listen. He just barked at me to keep my mouth shut and that made Pony yell at him for yelling at me. The next thing I knew, Ponyboy was leaning against the door, trembling. Darry had hit him. We all froze for a moment, and then Ponyboy ran out the door. I haven't seen him since.

Me and Darry had both been sure that he'd be back by the next morning, but he wasn't. I can't help but worry that something awful's happened to him. Neither can Darry. We've already lost our parents, and I don't think either one of us could deal with one more loss. Well, I guess Darry could because Darry can get through anything, no matter how hard it may be. But I don't think I could get through it if Pony never comes back.

I remember when the only thing I ever wanted was enough money for a horse. I had a horse named Mickey Mouse, the only problem was that I didn't have enough money to actually keep him. He was most definitely my horse, but one day he got sold to some rich guy and I never saw my Mickey Mouse again. I remember how horrible I felt the day Mickey Mouse got sold. I cried all day and night and Ponyboy cried with me. Losing Mickey Mouse was the first real loss I ever had to experience. I knew the horse wasn't dead, but he might as well be since I'd never see him again. The only comfort I had was that maybe someday I could earn enough money to buy him back. I knew it wasn't likely, but I still wished it would happen and I could hold on to that fantasy to help get me through losing him.

The night my parents were killed in the car crash, Mickey Mouse was the only thing I could think about. It was the same pain, only worse. After Mickey Mouse was sold, the dream of buying him back was there to keep me going. I didn't have any fantasies like that about mom and dad. You can't just buy back peoples lives like you can buy back a horse and even if you could, I wouldn't have the money to do so. It was kinda like losing Mickey Mouse all over again. Me and Pony cried together all night while Darry preferred to deal with his grief alone. Pony asked me if we'd ever get over losing mom and dad and if it would ever stop hurting to think about them and if we'd ever stop missing them. At the time, I knew I had to be strong for my little brother so I smiled through my tears, telling him that we probably won't get over them or stop missing them but that it won't always hurt to think about them.

That was a flat out lie. I try not to lie very often, especially not to Pony, but that time I had to. I couldn't just tell him the truth. The truth that you never do stop hurting when you think about someone you loved so much and how they aren't there anymore. People always say that when someone you love dies, they go to a better place. But that doesn't help. It doesn't matter if they're in a better place or not. Cause no matter where they are, they aren't here with me, like it feels they should be.

And right now, Ponyboy isn't here like it feels he should be. It feels like a mixture between losing Mickey Mouse and losing my parents. I knew Mickey Mouse was being sold to some guy (probably a Soc) that would be able to afford taking care of him and there was that small glimmer of hope and comfort that someday maybe I could buy him back, and when my parents died I knew they were dead and never coming back. But I don't know what happened to Pony. Like the fantasy of buying back my horse, I've been staying up all night in the vain hope that maybe Pony'll come back through that front door, rambling about some movie he saw with Johnny and Darry'd be mad at him for running out like that and not coming back for two nights... But then there's the harsh reality that it's more likely Pony's gotten himself into some horrible situation and he might even be dead because why else wouldn't he be home right now? No matter how angry he is at Darry, he'd come home if he could to spare me from this agony of not knowing what's happened to him.

But it's been two nights since the night he ran away and he still ain't back. No one's heard from Johnny either. We all know Johnny has it rough at home, so the gang tries to be there for him. If Johnny got into trouble, he knows he can come to us. But he hasn't come anywhere since the night Pony left. They're best friends, so it makes sense that they'd be together, but even if Pony was too steamed to come home, Johnny would talk him into it. But where could they have gone to? I'm pretty sure Dally knows something, but he won't talk, not even when Darry threatened to bust his head in for not telling us if he knew where they were. He refused knowing anything, but I know he's lying. I even gave him a letter to give to Pony since I know that he'll find a way to get it to him.

In the letter, I mentioned an article I saw in the newspaper. A dead soc was found in the park, stabbed to death the same night Pony ran out and he and Johnny are suspects, named by other socs that were there. But Pony wouldn't even squash a bug and Johnny... I'd like to say that Johnny couldn't kill nobody, but I keep thinking about that time when he got jumped by the socs and they beat him up real bad. So bad that he was shaking and terrified afterwards. I know that he's like a puppy, been kicked a few too many times and can be sweet, but will bite when threatened. Hard enough to kill if he's that scared.

I guess I have a vague idea of what happened that night after Pony ran out, but I don't want to believe that. Johnny's too sweet to do that and Pony's too young to get caught up in it. And there's still the question of what happened then... were they caught by some other socs, seeking revenge? Were they hurt? What'd the socs even do to them to make Johnny stab that soc? Did they just run away after? Where would they run to? Why, oh why couldn't they have just come home? Just to let me and Darry and the gang know they're okay before going to try hiding from the fuzz...

The fuzz, that's another thing to think about. Me and Darry had to answer an awful lot of questions this cop was asking us the other night. I'm still scared for what if they can't find Pony. Darry's scared for what if they do and then take him and me away from him, thinking Darry isn't a fit guardian for us. I guess we're both scared for our family being torn apart, like we are now with Pony gone.

It's still so quiet without him, having this bed all to myself, without getting to talk to him before bed or have his quiet breathing to lull me to sleep when I have trouble sleeping, or calming him down after he has a nightmare. I wonder if he's had any nightmares while he's been gone. It seems like the past few days have been one giant, living nightmare. I've barely been able to sleep and everytime I do, I have a nightmare about Ponyboy. Of course, my nightmare's are nothing compared to his and it just makes me wish he were here, so I'd be there to comfort him after his nightmare's and I wouldn't have any of my own. It's almost kind of funny how I started sharing a room and bed with Pony so that his nightmares would stop, and now without him I'm the one that gets nightmares.

I can't take this anymore, tossing and turning all night in bed alone, thinking about Mickey Mouse and my parents and missing them and Pony... I'd call my girlfriend, Sandy, she's always so sweet but it's late and she needs to sleep. I just found out she's pregnant, and it's another guy's baby. But I still love her. And I've lost too many people I love already, I can't lose her too. Maybe tomorrow I'll tell her I want to propose and would be willing to take of the baby like it was mine. And maybe tomorrow Pony will come bursting through that front door with Johnny, perfectly alright with stories to tell about what they've been up to in the past couple days. But before it's tomorrow, I have to get through tonight, another night in this unnaturally quiet house without Pony.

But I know I'm not the only one in this house, worryin' about Pony, unable to sleep, scared for the future of our family. So as resident bawl baby of the family, I creep out of the room me and Pony share and into Darry's, where I know he's awake and been tossing and turning all night with worry, although I know he must be exhausted from work.

"Scoot over, Superman," I say as I crawl into his bed and under the covers. For a while, we don't say anything, but I know he's awake cause I can hear him tossing a bit. I know he feels even worse than I do, he blames himself since he hit Pony that night and nothing I say to him seems to change his mind.

"It'll be okay, Dar," I whisper so quietly I'm not sure he hears me and I don't even know why I said it-- I certainly don't know if we'll ever be okay, but one of us needs to be the one to pull the other together since we can't both fall apart or we'd never make it through the night. And maybe it did help, I can hear his breathing start to even out. With one brother sleeping beside me, I start to believe that it will be alright and tomorrow Pony'll be here and I find myself falling into, not a nightmare, but a dream of getting to ride Mickey Mouse while Mom bakes some chocolate cake, Pony's looking out at this beautiful sunset, Dad and Darry are playing football, the gang watching Mickey Mouse cartoons on TV and Sandy's rocking her baby to sleep... And tomorrow, maybe things really will be alright, but for tonight I can fantasize that they're perfect.

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**Author's Note:** I wrote half of this about two years ago and just found it and finished it tonight, trying to get back into writing after pretty much falling off the face of fanfiction for the past couple years. Hope you enjoyed it and if you didn't, thanks for reading it anyway. Reviews are awesomeness.


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